Mind Your Surroundings

“Take a look at the people that are around you and if they’re not on the side of what’s good for you then walk away because first of all that’s best for them too.”Jordan Peterson. One of the goals, or purposes in life is to continuously better ourselves. Any individual that is self aware has the goal to grow. To me, it is our duty to strive to be a better person, a better spouse, a better friend, a better parent, a better cog in society. Sometimes, when it comes to growing, you take risks. Sometimes you strive to better your career. Or you strive to better yourself through physical and mental wellness. Often, we tend to search for the right person to be at our side during the hard times and the bad times. Far too often, we find the person that is at our side not only does not care for your goals or aspirations, often, they want you to fail. It recently dawned on me that I had a few people in my life that were like that. That is why, I recently made crucial decisions about who I have in my life, and I will continue to do so. 

Have you ever had a friend, loved one, or family member that you want to share good news with and instead of praising you, they give you a lackluster response, or they end up giving you a backhanded compliment? You know, that compliment that's dressed with kind praise, then filled with some form of a slight. Or when you ask them for advice, they steer you away from doing the right thing. Either they are subconsciously holding you back due to their own failures and insecurities. Or, they are jealous of your goals, aspirations, and your personal strive to better yourself. These are the people you DO NOT want in your life. 

 It is easy to come up with excuses as to why you should keep this individual, or group of people in your life. You have known them for years, decades, or your entire life. They are an integral member of your family. Or worse, a significant other. When it comes to changing their personalities, I have found that there is little you can do for these people. You can not change their mindset. You can not change how they react to good news, or bad news. Typically, these individuals suffer from years of failures. They suffer from body image issues. They can also be sociopaths. Yes, sociopaths are far more common than we think. They are most likely part of The Dark Triad. If they possess the three traits of The Dark Triad, oh boy. 

Unless you are a trained clinical psychologist, the greatest inspirational individual in the world, or God himself, you are not going to change these people. The work and effort for them to better themselves lies within them, not you. Sadly, most people are not going to look deep within to change who they are. Most are content with their life and will die that way. There is nothing you can do except cut them out of your life like a cancerous cell. 

I use the metaphor, cancer, for a very specific reason. These individuals are cancerous. They feed off of you. They feed off the good and the bad. Selfishly, they take the good for themselves. It could be money, luxuries, you name it. The bad, to them, makes them feel good. It makes them feel good when you fail. It makes them feel good when life gets you down. Why? It brings you down to their level. You are momentarily their equal. Or, at times, they are superior. They feed on you until you are just as broken as they are. 

These people are also similar to bullies. Bullies want to bring you down. They want you to feel as bad as they do. They will tell you toxic things. Planting toxic thoughts into your head about others. They do this to separate you from those they may be good for you. After enough time has passed, or they have already brought you down to their level, those toxic seeds they were planting in your head begin to sprout. The toxic lies and manipulations begin to take root. Eventually, like an invasive weed, these thoughts take over. Predictably, you begin to separate yourself from an old friend, becoming their enemy. Predictably, you begin to withdraw your advancements on the members of the opposite sex you were previously pursuing. The toxic individual has won. They manipulated you into doubting the potential mate, or separated you from a lifelong friend. All for their personal benefit. Not yours. 

They don't want you to have positive relationships. They want you for themselves. Sure, they’re allowed to have different relationships. New friends, a new gal pal, new people to share experiences with. Rules for thee, not for me. Sadly, the rules do not apply to them. These individuals will do just about anything to separate you from any form of positive influences. These are the people you do not want in your life. 

These same people are losers. Sure, they may have nice things, or a nice house, or whatever superficial objects that make them “better than you.”Deep down, they know they are losers. Why? They have lost at life. They have lost the will to strive to be better. They have little to no ambitions, aside from the mundane life many live. To them, that is suitable. Why? Most likely because they have never really won at anything. Again, you do not want these people in your life. What you want is someone who is going to lift you up when you are down. You want someone who is in your corner. You want someone who is your cheerleader. You want someone who says, “Fuck yeah man! Keep it going! Whatever you need, I got you!” Or, “You get to play music with other classically trained musicians? Man, that's dank!”  I have a few of those individuals in my life. Two I would like to touch on are Dom and Rostic.

I have spoken about my friend, Mama Beard ad nauseam. We all know he is one of my cheerleaders, and vice versa. I have yet to write about my high school friends, Dom and Rostic. The three of us connected over not only high school shenanigans, along with  music and now, we discuss mental and physical health on a regular basis. All three of us strive to better ourselves in a multitude of ways. I know, no matter what, I can send those two a question or ask for advice, which I often do, and they will give me the answer I need to hear. Not the answer I want to hear. Nor will they use any of their insecurities against me. Sadly, my relationship with one of my best friends was affected by the tactics of a member of The Dark Triad who has strong traits of  all three personalities. Fortunately for me, the relationship and bond Dom and I share is far too strong to be torn apart by a narcissistic, grandiose psychopathic and Machiavellian. Boy, did that anger my former friend. 

Dom and Rostics' goal isn't to push me down to a level below them. Their goal is to lift me up. They do this so if they need lifting up when they fall on hard times, they know I will be there, with love and strength, ready to lift them up. No matter all the trials and tribulations I have been through, all the stupid and regretful things I have done, they have always been there for me. That is what you want in friends. You want friends that want nothing but the best for you. You want friends that praise you and support you. However, you want friends that will give you honest and constructive criticism when you need it. 

I will share a story, one that involves two specific people, however, I will only mention one by name. Almost three years ago, I bought my first “new car.” It had some miles on it, but the car was practically brand new. Just days after the purchase of my new car, I attended my “friend's” father in-law's funeral. I barely knew the recently deceased, like any good friend would do, I went as support. As I greeted my friends, they began to rag on my new car and me. Being a guy my age, this is pretty standard. This is a fairly standard trait amongst men, especially blue collar folk. It stems from testing another's usefulness, mental toughness, and so on. My “friend” was particularly harsh. Especially since he had recommended that I not purchase the car. I still wonder why he did that. I was perplexed after he purchased a similar car for his wife. The kicker, it had more miles and cost almost as much as my car. 

My new car wasn't some jacked up truck that adds inches to my “you know what.” It's a car that is practical for me. A musician, hiker, camper, dog dad, and so on. I knew deep down that my  “friend” was not happy that I had reached the point in my life where I could obtain nice and reliable things for myself. I just didn't want to admit it. 

My friend Ryan met me during my college years. The years where I was financially struggling. The years where it seemed as though I constantly had car issues and I struggled to find the money to repair said issues. Ryan, along with Ian, being car guys, were always willing to help me out. No matter what the issue was. All I had to do was buy the tools needed, bring pizza and beer. Or, return the favor. Shortly after the funeral incident, I attended Ryan and Ian's car club car show. As I parked and got out of my car, I was greeted by Ryan. With a big smile on his face, Ryan asked if this was my new car. He went on about how this is the perfect car for me. I think Ryan was more stoked about me getting this car than I was. Sadly, I was unable to bask in the moment. All I could think of was what happened at the funeral. I will never forget Ryans reaction. That is the kind of friend you want in your life. A friend who is genuinely happy for you. Be like Ryan, not my other “friend.” 

One more example. A year later, I was attending Ryan and Ians car club's car show. The car show is known as “the party of the year” in our area. As the day went on, more and more adult beverages were consumed. Meaning, people were getting, “relaxed.” I was sober, for once.As the spirits continued,  I was asked by Rodric and his gal pal, why don't I ask out a friend of Ians wife. I had mentioned that I tried, but it just didn't work out. It's hard to pursue someone when your “friend” is constantly planting toxic and invasive seeds in your mind. As the lovely lady that I was poisoned into no longer pursuing was leaving, I was asked the dreaded “Chad, why are you single?” I responded with, “It's hard to meet people at my age.” With no hesitation, Rodrics gal pal snapped back with, “It's because you hang out with the wrong people.” Nodding at my “friend.” She then walked away with the confidence of a woman that had just torn down The Berlin Wall. Looking over to Rodric, he shrugged his shoulders, tilted his head and gave me a smirk. 

Rodric and his gal pal knew. I was at the point where I was starting to know. In fact, Rod and his gal pal were two out of 4 people that told me something along those lines that day. None of them had any skin in the game. They were outsiders who saw my “friend” for who he was and who saw me for who I am. A few days later, while on a camping trip, I would finally come to realize everything. It was a sobering moment. One that I needed badly. Especially after I saw or spoke to him for the first time in two weeks. I was greeted with an insult, a vile, vitriol filled one. It was so vile, even his wife gave him “the look.” That was it, I was done. 

I was just at rock bottom with that relationship. It was turning me into things that I didn't want to be. I was fighting it with all that I had. I just didn't realize, it was THAT what I was fighting. Sure, I have been fighting many things at this time and over the years. I had thought that my greatest opponent was myself and the world around me. I was tragically wrong. It was a tick, a leech, a cancerous cell that was feeding off my failures, my pain, my misery. I feel disgusted writing this. Not just at him, but at myself for not realizing what was going on. 

I could go on and on with examples of bad friends, bad loved ones, bad family members. Examples of people who want to keep you down. Not for greed, not for power, out of their own failures, insecurities, lack of self respect, poor self image. These people are just as bad, if not worse than that greedy corporate CEO or tyrannical politician. Why? To the aforementioned stereotypical individuals, you're just a number, a cog in the wheel. They have no personal connection to you. When it is someone you know, someone that knows your deepest secrets, your weaknesses, and how to exploit that all to make themselves feel or look better. There's not just The Dark Triad involved, there's also a certain level of evilness involved. You do not want these people in your life. 

I've found the best way to improve yourself and your relationships is to cut these people out. Sure, you can tell them they're not being a good friend, spouse, and so on. In my experience, this either makes things worse, or, they cut you out themselves. Why? It is most likely they know that you have discovered their true self and are scared that you will continue to expose them. Not just to themselves, but others around them. Being called out for being a shitty person in front of others is a very uncomfortable situation. This may be a waking moment for others. These toxic friends need to protect themselves. Since I have been focusing on negative aspects of relationships, I am going to end this with some positivity. First, with some words of wisdom from Dr. Jordan Peterson, someone who has helped me look deep within myself. Secondly, with a list of friends' businesses. Hit them up. I love them all and I'm sure they would appreciate the love in return. 

“We deserve some respect. You deserve some respect. You are important to other people, as much as to yourself. You have some vital role to play in the unfolding destiny of the world. You are, therefore, morally obliged to take care of yourself. You should take care of, help and be good to yourself the same way you would take care of, help and be good to someone you loved and valued. You may therefore have to conduct yourself habitually in a manner that allows you some respect for your own being. But every person is deeply flawed. Everyone falls short of the glory of God.”